A transformation
For thirty years, I have contributed to many meetings, as an expert, as a leader, and as someone who enjoyed debating and confronting ideas. And when I eventually became a manager, I showed up in the same way. All my role models behaved like this. I wasn’t afraid of debate and I wanted to get to the bottom of things.
What had once been a successful approach slowly became an issue, even a weakness. High energy, strong will, combined with a leadership position… not the best combination to truly encourage contribution from others.
As my awareness grew, I stepped back. I gave more space. Sometimes too much. At one point, I even found myself withdrawing. And then I noticed something else: my impact was decreasing. When I opened the space or let silence expand, people interpreted it differently. I realized I was losing sight of how to influence effectively. Instead of moving from I win / you lose to you win / I lose, I was drifting into you win / I disappear.
This wasn’t helping my colleagues or the business.
Through a coaching session, (thanks Susan !), I finally saw the key: curiosity.
A new way forward
Now I ask for other perspectives. I ask to understand their viewpoint. I let them express how their approach helps us reach our goals. Then I share my perspective and ask for their feedback. The goal is not to be right or wrong, it’s to build a common ground so we can define the best approach for the business and for people.
Using coaching skills, open‑ended questions, curiosity, sharing what I understand, and proposing additional elements to enrich the discussion, changes everything.
And if someone doesn’t understand or refuses to move, I ask myself: What are the stakes? If they’re not high, why am I trying so hard to influence?
So I no longer have an issue stepping back and letting the team move forward. It’s their decision, the business outcome will be good, and that’s perfect.
A leader’s role is not to achieve the best outcome every time. It’s to nurture, support, and encourage the team to grow and become self‑reliant. And when the stakes are high or the risks increase, you can step in more and share additional insights to ensure the business stays on target.
Purpose
To strengthen the habit of stepping back, creating space, and guiding meetings through curiosity rather than control.
1 Pre‑Meeting Intention Setting (3 minutes)
Ask yourself:
- What is my role today? (decide / support / learn)
- What is one behaviour I want to practice? (listen more, ask open questions, speak last…)
- What are the real stakes? (high / medium / low)
- What does success look like?
- Team ownership?
- Shared understanding?
- A decision?
Write one sentence:
👉 “Today I will create space by…”
2 Curiosity Prompts to Use During the Meeting
Pick three to practice:
- “What’s your perspective on this?”
- “What leads you to that conclusion?”
- “What options do you see?”
- “What would success look like for you?”
- “What’s the impact if we do nothing?”
- “Who else should we involve?”
- “What am I missing?”
- “How does this help us reach our goal?”
Stretch challenge:
👉 Speak last in at least one discussion.
3 The “Space Check” (real‑time self‑awareness)
During the meeting, pause for 5 seconds and ask yourself:
- Am I creating space or taking space?
- Is my intervention needed, or am I stepping in out of habit?
- Are the stakes high enough to justify stepping in?
If the answer is no, step back and let the team continue.
4 Post‑Meeting Reflection (5 minutes)
After the meeting, answer these four questions:
1. What did I notice about my behaviour?
2. When did I create space?
3. When did I take space?
4. What will I adjust next time?
Optional deepening question:
👉 What emotion drove me when I stepped in? (fear, urgency, habit, desire to help…)
5 Growth Commitment (1 sentence)
End with a simple commitment for the next meeting:
- “Next time, I will ask one more question before giving my view.”
- “Next time, I will invite two quieter voices.”
- “Next time, I will clarify the stakes before stepping in.”
This keeps the habit alive and evolving.
Additional readings: