In a manager’s career, there’s a moment we’ve all experienced: the moment when a decision is made that feels incomprehensible, frustrating, almost unfair. You worked hard, built a solid argument, anticipated objections… and yet, your proposal is set aside.
Faced with this kind of situation, the instinctive reaction is often the same: explain more, insist further, try harder to convince. As if the strength of our arguments could restore balance.
With hindsight, this reflex reveals one thing above all:
we are sometimes so focused on our own perspective that we become unable to perceive someone else’s.
And that’s when the obstacle becomes a mirror.
1. When frustration speaks louder than reality
The first trap is emotional. Frustration acts like noise that blurs understanding and closes the door to nuance.
We look for someone to blame, we interpret intentions, we quickly categorize. In short, we project.
This is the moment when we must ask questions that open rather than close:
- What message is really being conveyed to me?
- What perspective am I not seeing?
- What interest have I overlooked?
- Why is this important to them?
This step back to understand the other person’s perspective can transform a defensive reaction into a learning opportunity.
Thus:
- Let the emotion pass, because it takes you away from understanding, nuance, and the search for balance that could lead to consensus.
- Look for common ground, a shared intention.
- Let curiosity guide you to understand the other person’s perspective.
- Ask open-ended questions so they can share more and help you understand their complete point of view.
• Favor co‑construction to maximize the talents in the room.
2. Looking at the shadow: what the other reveals about us
Some professional tensions arise from a rarely named phenomenon:
we see in others what we refuse to acknowledge in ourselves.
An authoritarian colleague will awaken your own difficulty setting boundaries.
A manager who cuts you off will trigger your old fear of being invisible.
A coworker who takes credit will echo your need for recognition.
This doesn’t mean the other person is right or wrong. It means the situation strikes a sensitive area.
The real question becomes:
👉 Why does this situation affect me so much? What does it reveal about me?
A manager who masters this line of analysis can understand the deeper reasons behind their reactions. They respond to their emotions instead of reacting from them. By taking a pause before responding, they express intention rather than emotion.
With this process, your leadership style evolves, gains intention. Your listening deepens. Your ability to grow increases. Progress requires self‑knowledge and awareness of your strengths and vigilance points.
3. When the other doesn’t change: understanding rather than judging
You will encounter, throughout your career, people:
• who hide behind a posture of certainty
• who refuse contradiction
• who project their own insecurities onto you
• who take credit or minimize yours
It happens, and it will happen again.
But you must remember one essential truth:
this behavior speaks about them, not about you.
Managerial maturity is knowing how to distinguish:
• what belongs to you (your emotions, your interpretation)
• from what belongs to the other (their background, defense mechanisms, vulnerabilities)
This distinction allows you to respond rather than react, a strategic advantage.
Now, with this work on yourself, and this awareness of what is yours and what is theirs, how do you position yourself?
4. The real power of the manager: choosing your response
Every difficult interaction is a test.
Not a test of competence.
A test of maturity.
When someone speaks to you condescendingly, when a colleague minimizes your contribution or takes credit for your work, the temptation is to respond emotionally.
But the only real question is:
👉 Which response brings me closer to the manager I want to be?
Leaders who grow are those who:
- clarify rather than interpret
- question rather than accuse
- listen to understand, not to reply
- seek intention rather than explanation
- rely on facts rather than assumptions
These are subtle skills, but they distinguish reactive managers from strategic ones.
5. Common ground: where collaboration is born
Most conflicts, blockages, and tensions disappear when we uncover:
- true intentions
- unexpressed needs
- areas of mutual misunderstanding
We often share much more than we think,
but only if we make the effort to clarify, listen, and discern.
6. When refusals become systemic: a signal not to ignore
If despite introspection, communication, and attempts to understand, the same doors keep closing…
Then it’s time to examine another aspect: your environment.
Sometimes, it isn’t a lack of skill or relational intelligence.
Sometimes it’s simply the wrong context, poor political dynamics, or a culture misaligned with your values.
And in those moments, you have a powerful ability many forget:
👉 the power to reposition yourself. Read career transition articles on the blog, and a good one to start with is « leave or stay : Understand the mechanism.«
Conclusion: Management is not a battle, it is a path
Growing as a manager isn’t about accumulating techniques.
It is about refining your understanding:
- of yourself
- of others
- of the dynamics that connect you
Every relational obstacle is an opportunity to see yourself differently.
Every tension is a mirror.
And, every perceived injustice is a signal.
And if you truly commit to this path, you’ll discover that most difficult situations aren’t meant to block you, they’re meant to reveal you.
🛠️ Three simple actions to put in place
Take an emotional pause before reacting
When frustration rises, don’t respond immediately. Give yourself a few minutes (or hours) to let the emotion settle.
→ This prevents jumping to quick interpretations and allows for a more nuanced response.
Ask 2 to 3 open questions during a disagreement
Instead of defending your point of view, ask:
“What perspective am I not seeing?”
“What matters to you in this decision?”
→ This opens the conversation and clarifies the real intention.
Observe your own reactions as a signal
Whenever a situation irritates you, briefly note:
“What does this situation reveal about me?”
→ This helps identify sensitive areas and enables you to respond rather than react.
👉 These three simple actions strengthen your leadership posture and unlock your potential.